Leap Day & Our 666 Controversy

This Leap Year brings with it the 140th anniversary of Nowhere's founding. With that, our post office is issuing a commemorative stamp. Also, it was exactly 40 years ago that the town got its first official post office. February 29 is a pretty important date around here. Probably the biggest controversy to ever hit Nowhere was on this date back in 1968 when the town got it’s own post office - 100 years after forming. Until then all mail was dropped off at Dolly's Pharmacy by CO-OP driver Dennis Day. You see, when the Feds granted Nowhere the new post office, it assigned the zip code: 85666. Well, as you can imagine, those numbers created quite a stir amongst many in this hamlet of church-going folks. A petition was even sent back to Senator Barry Goldwater's office in Washington. But the locals eventually found a compromise. See, no one wanted their zip code to start with ...85... because that’s what the zip codes in big-cities Phoenix and Tucson have. And folks around here don’t much like to be associated with big city life. In exchange for keeping the 85 in 85666, the senator promised to be the grand marshall of Nowhere’s annual Independence Day parade. Somehow, the parade skipped Goldwater's mind that year. When the parade came and went, everyone pretty much forgot about the controversy. And the senator.

Life is good every Feb. 29th

How Government Works

In most places it's a holiday today. Presidents Day, which in these parts means no mail but plenty of red, white and blue. Before heading off to my Tempe office for a few days, I stopped in for a cup of joe at Dina's Coffee and Hair Emporium. Doc Mott, a retired vet from northern Virginia, was in for his daily brew and pulled up a chair with some other boys. Having resided near Washington, D.C. before living here the past 20 years gives ol Doc a twisted (or not) perspective on government. As his story goes...

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of the Arizona desert. Congress said,"Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said,"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said,"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said,"How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said,"Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said,"We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." So they laid off the night watchman.

Life is good, but twisted sometimes.

It's Heartly Fair

Those of us living in Arizona know what today is. February 14 is the day we celebrate two events: Statehood Day AND Valentine's Day. Supposedly this Roman priest, St. Valentine, died on February 14, 269 A.D., the same day that had been devoted to love lotteries. Legend has it that before St. Valentine was wasted by the Emperor, he left a farewell note for the jailer's daughter, who had become his friend, and signed it "From Your Valentine". A couple hundred years later, Pope Gelasius set aside February 14 to honor St. Valentine. February 14 became the date for exchanging love messages, sending poems and simple gifts such as flowers. Somewhere it's gotten outta hand, wouldn't you say? Nowhere doesn't have a flower shop. Most folks here grow 'em or pick 'em roadside. Yet, on February 13 and 14, Nels Nelson parks his truck along Main and sells bushels of red flowers to Nowhereians. Apparently, Arizona flags aren't THAT popular. Heart shaped rocks sell better than our flag. The region was sometimes called Arizona before 1863, although it was still in the Territory of New Mexico. Then along came February 14, 1912 and someone made it the 48th state. Don't think the folks in New Mexico, or Old Mexico for that matter, were too happy. Anyway, today the flags are hanging from many houses, people are buying roses, and the sweet smell of love wafts through the air. Smells like rain, too.

Love is good.

Directions Please

When folks visit Nowhere for the first time, they quickly learn that either our city founders either had a sense of humor or they lacked any creativity whatsoever when it came to naming Nowhere's streets. There's the plain vanilla East, West, South and North Streets. North Street runs east and west except when it curves south around the town's natural springs. Between East and West streets are the numbered streets starting with 1st Street on the east and moving west 'til 16th Street. No one wanted 13th Street so the founders decided to make that street Main Street. Go figure. Those pioneers must have been tipping a bottle or two when they came up with names.

Nevertheless, Life is good.